Consider the Kid

The discussion about how to help families stay together is an interesting and complex conversation. I wanted to touch on this issue in terms of international countries, and particularly of China since this is where my personal expertise lies.

The issue with promoting initiatives to keep families together in China is a tricky one because of the population control policies in place. This, then, doesn’t necessarily become an issue of keeping families together because sometimes it just isn’t an option. Instead, with the China case, it becomes about changing 2000+ year-old cultural beliefs that male children are more desirable than female ones. It becomes about offering social security dispensed by the goverment to the elderly in rural areas who have no one or nothing else to rely upon for support other than their sons (as married daughters often leave their birth parents and become apart of their husband’s families). It becomes about offering free birth control and sexual education to agricultural communities instead of using political pressure to deter families from unplanned pregnancies.

To this end, its not like nothing is happening to make these changes. In fact, I give kudos to the Chinese government for actively trying to promote family planning initiatives such as late marriages, birth control, and the equality of girls, but unfortunately these efforts are often centralized in urban areas where people feel and understand first-hand the effects of having too many people living too close together. In the countryside however, it’s quite a different story. The population here is more spread out and so the effects of over-population are not as evident. Moreover, the most influence China exerts on rural populations to the ends of promoting slower population growth rates usually equates to nothing more than the periodic visits from the local communist party member reminding families of the severe consequences of having unsanctioned births.

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So, while the goverment has been trying to implement a policy of population control through careful planning and such, it seems pretty apparent that their efforts are not enough. After all, there’s still tens-upon-tens of thousands of children abandoned each year. Thankfully, this is where NGOs are starting to fill in. All over China non-profits are popping up, with the goal of bettering people’s lives. Unfortunately, their efforts are also primarily focused within large, urban areas. I don’t mean to imply that they are not doing any good, because of course they are. My point is that we just can’t expect change to occur to quickly.

I want to end this post with a quote from a woman activist in China who is featured in PBS’ “China From the Inside” series:

“If things change too fast in China, it’d be like a storm. Huge raindrops don’t irrigate the land. On the contrary, they might wash away fertile topsoil. I hope for drizzles. For gradual change. Drizzles seep into the ground, helping seeds take root and sprout. I think change should be very slow. And it must be a combination of people at the grassroots working up and people from high up working down. This is the only way to find our own path.”

If one is interested in helping families in China avoid abandoning children, it would be my recommendation to support the organizations within the country that deal with family planning or providing for the old and infirm. While their efforts may only impact urban populations now, it still has an effect. The potential for curbing abandonments in China is there and is just starting for its roots to take hold before growing and spreading to more rural areas of the country.

Sweet Geezus. The comments and notions of some PAPs make me want to run full speed toward a brick wall because the physical pain of the collision would not be nearly as painful as the emotional pain I feel after hearing some of their–to be polite let’s say, uneducated–remarks.

A good friend of mine who is a social worker told me this one, and it frustrated me so I had to post about it.

The Scene: A childless family pursuing a domestic adoption. The family sits down with their social worker (my friend) to discuss their openness to different issues such as alcohol exposure, mental health issues of birth parents, race, and level of prenatal care. It was clear from the beginning of this discussion that the family had a very specific and narrow idea of what they thought was acceptable. As part of their “specifications,” they emphasized that they were only open to a child whose birth mother has had proper, long-term prenatal care.

When my friend (their social worker) inquired further about this last request, they repsponded by explaining that if they were in the position of the birth mother, that this is what they would do. WTF?!?

There is serious disconnect here, so I try really hard not to just become dissolutioned altogether when thinking about this situation. But, c’mon! Let’s think for a minute how many birth mothers 1) know their pregnant or acknowledge their pregnant, 2) have the financial ability to pay for the expenses of prenatal care, or 3) are excited to be a parent and therefore want to provide good care for their child from day one?

What this family needs to understand is that this woman, the birth mother, is not having this baby for them, but rather this is her child and the adoptive family gets the privledge of raising him/her.

Although the case above may be a bit extreme, I think this feeling of thinking that an adoptive child is for you is prevalent in not only in domestic adoptions, but in international adoptions as well. Why does it happen? Well my hypothesis is that families often react like the one mentioned above due to unresolved infertility issues. If a family experiences year after year of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts, IVF, and miscarriages this obviously leads to disappointment, regrets, shame and anger just to mention a few of the very complex emotions involved. But all too often a family jumps from failing to get pregnant straight away to adoption without allowing for a grieving period. It seems, then, that families like this can have unrealistic ideals and impatient attitudes when going through the adoption process because–hey, they’ve already been trying to build a biological family for x number of years, can’t they just get their kid already!?

I think some of this could be lessened if they would just deal with their very real, very unresolved emotions about not being able to parent their own biological child. Many seem to just hold onto the hope that once they receive their adopted child their pains of infertility will just magically disappear. While enlightenment can always happen, it seems that instead sometimes becoming a parent fulfills that void of childlessness, but the family can still have these underlying feelings which may lead to further unrealistic expectations, but this time about their adoptive child instead of the adoption agency or the birth family or what-have-you.

I know that not every PAP is like this, so please don’t take this as some blanket statement about adoptive families. I know that everyone comes from different backgrounds and has different experiences throughout their life which mold them into who they are. I’m just trying to figure out what needs to be done to help the adoption field become a better place.

Interim adoptions is probably the hottest topic in the China adoption community today. For those unfamiliar with what an interim adoption is, allow me to explain. While a family has their dossier in China and could be waiting up to 2+ years for a referral, the family pursues an adoption in another country while during this wait for a Chinese referral. So, by the end of the 2+ year wait for China, the family will have two children.

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of talk about families whose agencies are encouraging interim adoptions. When I heard this I was aghast. The job of an agency is not to look out for the best interest of the family, but of the child. Encouraging families to pursue interim adoptions stinks of self-interest on behalf of the agency. The slowdown occurring in China right now has many families worried and frustrated–so much so that some are beginning to think of jumping off the China ship and perhaps pursuing an adoption elsewhere. China-only agencies I’m sure feel threatened by this because along with this family goes their money. While all agencies working with China must be non-profits, even organizations such as these need money to sustain their program and staff. So, how does a China-only agency deal with families who balk at the idea of waiting 2 or more years for a referral? Offer them the chance to adopt in the mean time of course! This way the family is still invested in the China-only agency, and–as an added bonus–the family will be busy with another adoption process so they will stop agonizing over the long wait causing them to at the very least decrease their prods for information from the agency.

Now, its still unclear to pretty much every agency whether or not the CCAA even allows interim adoptions to take place. But, there’s a lot of talk from families as well as from agencies saying what the CCAA doesn’t know, can’t hurt ‘em. Umm….hello? Can anyone say deception and lies? This is so foul, if in fact this is what is happening. I would be embarrassed to work for an agency who would verbalize such a thing, and furious to know if I was working with one to pursue an adoption.

It is vital to the adoption field to have upright, moral players within it because we are dealing with human lives. There have been enough stories of child trafficking, corrupt governments, greedy lawyers, and unethical agencies tarnishing the good act of finding homes for children without them.

To pursue an interim adoption under these pretenses would be to contribute to the problem. I really hope that the CCAA publicly confirms that completing an adoption from another program is allowable, because until that happens, I feel really uneasy about this situation.

What they should be doing is looking out for the best interest of the child. That is their job.

“Some are toads to begin with, and some are beauties,” a friend of mine also in the adoption business was telling me as we spoke about referral photos and family expectations. “This is a serious issue to address with families as they wait,” he continued (yes, a he! a real rareity in the social work field), “because for months images of what their child-to-be grow inside their heads. They imagine him or her beautiful, clean and with gleaming eyes–but the fact of the matter is that many kids look pretty rough in their referral photos.” He went on to say how this is a serious issue that needs real addressing in the adoption community, especially by social workers with their families, because there’s nothing like waiting months or years for a child only to be rather disappointed with the first glimpses of him or her.

My friend’s words really resonated with me. I have definitely thought to myself before while paging through the multitudes of referrals that come in every month that some were “toads,” to use my friend’s words. Yet, every time so far after I had thought that, and then saw the child after s/he was home with a loving family, all I could ever think was “WOW! What a beautiful child!”

Orphanages are filled with children, and therefore, also filled with diseases and dirt. These are two good reasons for why some of the “toads” aren’t very photogenic in their referral photos. Moreover, the age and temperament of your child also plays a role. I remember one child a while ago who was always crying in her photos particularly because of the gentle manhandling of moving her from place to place, position to position, for the “photo-shoot.” I’ve also seen photos of children who seem to be just too young to understand that they’re being photographed and instead choose to stare at something on the floor.

I thought I’d mention this on the blog here thinking perhaps this might resonate with someone other than myself. I think its important to keep in mind that babies can look pretty rough at first, but once you meet them, learn of their personality, and eventually clean them up, it’ll be even more evident how beautiful and resilient these little people really are.

With all of the families quickly thinking of alternatives to adopting from China, I can’t help but think that one of the comments made during Paula Zahn’s highly criticized show in January. One of the guests had remarked how adopting from China seemed to be a fad, with more and more families hopping on the “China adoption train.” I don’t feel that racism was the cause of the high interest in Chinese children, but I do think it had to do with the word-to-mouth talk about the program and process itself.

When we talk about the China program with families, and we discuss why families have chosen the program, one of the big points is that the process is reliable, stable, and predictable (in terms of paper processing and NOT wait times). Furthermore, all the children are abandoned, so there’s no birth parents involved, AND, if we’re speaking in terms of 2004-2005, the wait time was only 6-8 months for a referral, so you received your kid really fast! Sounds like a dream program, eh? That’s exactly what I think many PAPs thought. Then, maybe they’d try to think if they had any connection to the country. “Oo! I’ve traveled there once on business!” or “Man, I totally love Chinese food!” or “Wow, this program’s details sound like just the perfect fit for me, it must be the work of God/Fate/Divinity that I go through this program!”

But, now as the wait is getting longer, more people are suddenly realising their ties to the country are minimal, and instead beginning to look for alternatives. I know that it is a difficult and long wait, but if having a Chinese child was your goal, then why not stick with it? Why now would a child from Ethiopia be more appealing even though months (or years ago) that program was maybe not even on your radar screen? Simply because the wait was shorter and you were able to fulfill your selfish desire to become a parent quicker? Is that how you’re going to tell the story to your child when they are old enough to ask why you chose Ethiopia? Moreover, if you have a motivation, goal, and invested interest (and money) in something, shouldn’t you stick with it?

I understand that perhaps some agencies weren’t very forthright in sharing current and expected wait-time trends with families when they were starting the process, but truly, some of the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the PAPs too. As a prospective adoptive parent, you have the responsibility to research: you should research your agency before selecting one as well as researching programs before enrolling in one so that you make an educated decision for your family, and come to a conclusion that you are happy with.

I really can’t say this enough, but as Americans, we are so used to getting what we want when we want it that we have a hard time letting go of control and being patient. This wait is all about doing just that.

I called one of my families today to check-in with them, see how things were going, expecting to hear the cheerful, humorous voice of the wife answer the phone. Although she was the one who answered, she was not her gleeful self. While trying to maintain her composure she shared that they had just received news this week that her husband had been diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know what kind of cancer: she didn’t share, and I wasn’t about to ask. All she did share was that the prognosis was bleak.

I don’t know why, but hearing this news affected me more than I would have expected. I was rather quiet and reflective the rest of the day. I kept thinking how I just wanted to go to this woman’s house, drop off some Chinese food for dinner, and just give her a big hug–even though I’ve only known her through our phone conversations.

It’s kind of funny really, how all of us working with adoptive families really have relationships to each and every one of them. Proof of that is how I and many others will refer to the cases we are assigned as “my families.” Adoption isn’t like many other fields where exchanges are often about business exchanges and formalities. Adoption is about building families, which is a personal and intimate subject for a family.

I really appreciate the relationships I have with my families, and even though I may post my sometimes polar opinions, its really only because I deeply care about the field I work in and the people’s lives whom I touch.

One of the families for an adoptive parent panel (where a few families who recently returned from adopting come to speak to those still waiting) brought with their 4 year old daugther as well as their newly adopted daughter who was just over one year. We were waiting to enter the room to begin the session, so I was playing with the kids. This family’s older daughter was dressed in the traditional Chinese qipao, a long silk dress usually characterized by its high, tight collar and chinese-style buttons securing the chest enclosure. One of my colleagues remarked how cute she looked, to which she duly responded: “I’m playing dress-up today.”

Here’s what ran through my mind at that moment: ….

That’s right, nothing. I didn’t know how to respond, because the truth is, that 4 year-old had just verbalized my exact thoughts as though she had been perusing my brain moments before. Ugh…yeah, that’s exactly what it is, kiddo. In fact, having an adopted child wear traditional clothing doesn’t necessarily offer a connection to his or her heritage. It’s more a game of dress-up and fantasy-play.

I think about all the families who adopt in China, and take the ritual ‘red couch’ photo at the White Swan Hotel, which is the last stop on an adoption trip. In this photo, all the children being adopted are dressed up in traditional Chinese attire and seated on a red velvet couch in the lobby of the hotel for a group photo. Families often buy more than one of these outfits and in larger sizes for their child to wear as they get older. It seems that many families feel that by doing this they are keeping their child’s ethnic culture alive in their child’s life. But is this what it is really doing? Do modern Chinese nationals in China wear clothing like that? Do they dress their children up like this? What about Chinese immigrants who still want to maintain their culture while being in a foreign country? Do they dress their children up in traditional Chinese clothing as a way to maintain their heritage?

No, of course they don’t. Don’t get me wrong, the traditional certainly plays a role in Chinese society–especially in terms of holidays, customs, and beliefs–however, it is only part of a larger, more complex China. Many newspapers and magazines frequently publish articles describing the rapidly changing face of China under modernization. Western influences are affecting every aspect of life–finance, law, holidays, clothing, music, politics, just to name a few–and it’s important to incorporate these new identities of China into your child’s life as well. What an embarrassing and frustrating experience it could be for Chinese adoptees to grow up having this idea of their birth land as being “backward” only to discover how similar China is and how it is exploding as a world leader. Therefore focusing on the old, the traditional, and the past ill-prepares adoptees to be diasporic children of the country in which they were born.

Incorporating an adopted child’s culture into his or her life is important and necessary of course, however the issue should be pursued with a depth of knowledge of the birth-land and offer information on many different aspects of the country’s history and array of customs. After all, adoptees are no longer rural children. Instead, they are global citizens who go from being simply “Chinese” to instead “Chinese-Americans”, needing not only a knowledge of the traditions of China, but also its current conditions.

I think families forget sometimes that adoption is not like ordering your child at a fast food restaurant. Sometimes I imagine adoption agencies working out of buildings resembling McDonald’s and having names like “Kids in a Flurry” or ”Kid’tin Kaboodle.” Families would drive up along side the building and yelp their ‘orders’ into a speaker: ”Yah, I’d like to get a female asian child, without any medical concerns, and between the ages of 3-9 months, please!” Then they’d just have to drive up to a door where personnel walk the child out and place her in the car. Afterwards, the worker would smile and wave the family off as they drove home happy and satisfied that they received what they requested.

Ok, so maybe this is exaggerated and inflammatory, but I really feel that sometimes Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs)–especially American PAPs–expect that adoption will work like the rest of society where generally things are done when you want them and how you want them or else someone’s head will be severed and left rolling on the ground.

Unfortunately, most people don’t have the same expectations when having their own children as they do when they’re adopting. They don’t demand that the sex of their child be female and healthy, and if they don’t get what they want they don’t want it. Things happen–life is unpredictable–and you need to be flexible.

I had a family today who received the referral of a healthy, gorgeous boy after having requested a girl, and so now they don’t want him. Funny how being a boy is like having a special need in the international adoption arena. Most families want little girls regardless of country of origin. It’s a shame that the adoption community allows for sex selection of children.

Funny how many see sex selection as an unfortunate and primitive thing that takes place in such ‘backward’ countries as China and India where boys are more valued than girls, and yet it does happen here with families that want to adopt everyday and no one questions it. Why? Could it be because many people still have this idea that adoption is a noble act; the family’s doing a great deed after all, so why not let them select the type of child they will ‘rescue’? I don’t know the answer to this one, but I sure hope someone can shine some light onto this case for me.

I’d like to open up a topic for discussion with any readers out there who feel comfortable commenting on it. I’m not yet an adoptive parent, so I’d like to get the take of those who have traveled the road before me. I have my own opinions on the issue from my superficial glance at the issue from papers of families I’ve seen. What am I talking about? Here… 

Adoption is for the benefit of children and not of families. While this seems so simple and there’s probably lots of you out there saying “yes, of course it is–why, this isn’t going to be controversial at all,” I find that some families seem to forget this adoption motto and pursue adoption for selfish reasons (one can also argue that adoption itself is innately selfish–which I would actually agree with and I’ll touch on this later).

One such selfish reason to adopt is because a family can choose the gender of the child they will parent. I have seen all too many families out there, for example, that have several biological children at home all of which are boys, and one of the parents really wanted to parent a girl so they adopt from China where 95% of the children are females.  That’s all well and fine and probably won’t make a difference to the little girl when she’s 10 and under, but eventually one day she’ll ask about her parents’ motivation to adopt internationally and wonder why they chose China. She’ll find out she’s the token girl, and how might she feel knowing the only reason her family decided to adopt her was because she was a girl?

Another selfish act is adopting when you’re in your fifties. This one particularly concerns me when its the first child in the family. Ifa couple of PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) are 52 and 54, lets say, at time of placement with a 12 month-old child, by the time the child graduates high school they will be 69 and 71. After a 4-year college degree, they’ll be 73 and 75 respectively. It’s quite possible that one or both of the PAPs may need intervening care by this time, and where does this leave the only child? Is taking care of elderly parents best for the child–especially as that child will have no support from siblings?

A final, seemingly irritating view on adoption is that as a PAP, you are “saving” abandoned children–oh how noble of you. However, adoption is not a noble act. A noble act would be one that is selfless, and unfortunately adoption is anything but selfless. Let’s face it, adoption is done because there are families who want to parent children, and are willing to pay for it. If they wanted to do something truly noble for children, they’d put all the money they’re paying for an international adoption towards efforts to keep families together so that children were not relinquished or abandoned in the first place.  Now, this being said, adopting certainly may be helping one child escape an orphanage and therefore lead a better life, but its a little like pumping blood into a someone who has large lacerations in order to keep them living instead of just suturing up the wounds. It’s not fixing the problem that’s leading to families creating adoption plans for their children in the first place.

I really have no intentions of insulting anybody or coming across as rude, and if that’s what I’ve done I sincerely apologize. I merely want to spark debate and conversation into the adoption community about some of these issues that I think get overlooked by families. I hope you’ll leave a comment letting me know what you think–good or bad.

In 2001, Congress passed a law giving families who adopt both domestically as well as internationally a $10,000 tax credit used to off-set the costs of adoption. Unfortunately, one of the clauses of in the law has the bill sunsetting on December 31, 2010, resulting in the tax credit being halved to only $5000.

 While it may seem silly to concern oneself with this issue now (hey, its only 2007, right?) think of how it may effect you if you. Perhaps you’re currently in the process of adopting, and while the sunsetting won’t change anything for your present adoption, it may if you choose to adopt again. Or perhaps you’re like me, waiting to be elligible to adopt, and who will be directly impacted by this change.

Thankfully, there are congressional representatives out there already starting to attend to this issue. There are two bills in the Ways and Means Committee of the House, and one in the Senate Finance committee–and all are on the docket for discussion this legislative session.

What this all means is that now is the time to write your representatives–especially those who sit on these committees–and show them your support for these bills. Show congress how important it is to assist families who adopt. Make them aware of how numerous adoptive families are and what a collective, and powerful voice the adoption community has.

If you want more information on these proposed bills and others which concern adoption, you can check out the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute. To follow the progression of the bills in congress, click on one of the following links:

S. 561
H.R. 273
H.R. 471