I’d like to open up a topic for discussion with any readers out there who feel comfortable commenting on it. I’m not yet an adoptive parent, so I’d like to get the take of those who have traveled the road before me. I have my own opinions on the issue from my superficial glance at the issue from papers of families I’ve seen. What am I talking about? Here…
Adoption is for the benefit of children and not of families. While this seems so simple and there’s probably lots of you out there saying “yes, of course it is–why, this isn’t going to be controversial at all,” I find that some families seem to forget this adoption motto and pursue adoption for selfish reasons (one can also argue that adoption itself is innately selfish–which I would actually agree with and I’ll touch on this later).
One such selfish reason to adopt is because a family can choose the gender of the child they will parent. I have seen all too many families out there, for example, that have several biological children at home all of which are boys, and one of the parents really wanted to parent a girl so they adopt from China where 95% of the children are females. That’s all well and fine and probably won’t make a difference to the little girl when she’s 10 and under, but eventually one day she’ll ask about her parents’ motivation to adopt internationally and wonder why they chose China. She’ll find out she’s the token girl, and how might she feel knowing the only reason her family decided to adopt her was because she was a girl?
Another selfish act is adopting when you’re in your fifties. This one particularly concerns me when its the first child in the family. Ifa couple of PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) are 52 and 54, lets say, at time of placement with a 12 month-old child, by the time the child graduates high school they will be 69 and 71. After a 4-year college degree, they’ll be 73 and 75 respectively. It’s quite possible that one or both of the PAPs may need intervening care by this time, and where does this leave the only child? Is taking care of elderly parents best for the child–especially as that child will have no support from siblings?
A final, seemingly irritating view on adoption is that as a PAP, you are “saving” abandoned children–oh how noble of you. However, adoption is not a noble act. A noble act would be one that is selfless, and unfortunately adoption is anything but selfless. Let’s face it, adoption is done because there are families who want to parent children, and are willing to pay for it. If they wanted to do something truly noble for children, they’d put all the money they’re paying for an international adoption towards efforts to keep families together so that children were not relinquished or abandoned in the first place. Now, this being said, adopting certainly may be helping one child escape an orphanage and therefore lead a better life, but its a little like pumping blood into a someone who has large lacerations in order to keep them living instead of just suturing up the wounds. It’s not fixing the problem that’s leading to families creating adoption plans for their children in the first place.
I really have no intentions of insulting anybody or coming across as rude, and if that’s what I’ve done I sincerely apologize. I merely want to spark debate and conversation into the adoption community about some of these issues that I think get overlooked by families. I hope you’ll leave a comment letting me know what you think–good or bad.
12 responses so far ↓
paragraphein // April 21, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Um, I’m not an adoptive parent, but spot-on from my perspective.
I do have a question for you:
“If they wanted to do something truly noble for children, they’d put all the money they’re paying for an international adoption towards efforts to keep families together so that children were not relinquished or abandoned in the first place. Now, this being said, adopting certainly may be helping one child escape an orphanage and therefore lead a better life, but its a little like pumping blood into a someone who has large lacerations in order to keep them living instead of just suturing up the wounds. It’s not fixing the problem that’s leading to families creating adoption plans for their children in the first place.”
I wholeheartedly agree. And have said the same thing many times… But being that most of my knowledge is in domestic (U.S.) infant adoption, I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to knowing which organizations might address the root problems in CHINA that lead to relinquishments.
Can you recommend any organizations/programs that would tackle the root problems in China, rather than feed the machine by adopting out of it?
I ask because we were discussing this on an adoption forum the other day, and the aparents who’d adopted from China were as at much of a loss as me. They simply did not know of any organizations to support, to help reduce relinquishments/abandonments.
Help?
Abebech // April 22, 2007 at 1:03 am
Hi,
I came to you from Nicole’s blog, Paragraphein.
The age issue isn’t one I’ve seen debated before, but we thought a lot about the gender issue (we chose to adopt a toddler girl/I’m irritated by the overwhelming preference for girls among paparents) and encounter the “saving” issue often (You did such a NICE thing, adopting an AFRICAN, people have actually said . . .)
I’d be interested to read about the right reasons, if right reasons there be, because that’s what I can’t seem to organize thoughts on, even after having brought my daughter home 10 months ago. That we felt her absence is the short version.
Susan // April 22, 2007 at 1:50 am
I think you’re awesome and amazing and deserve great kudos for speaking out from a professional level. You are so right on. That’s what I think. Thank you for this blog.
Kate // April 22, 2007 at 5:03 am
Good good good.
I absoutely agree with everything you’ve said and am SO glad you’re saying it!
m // April 22, 2007 at 7:55 pm
This is a great question and I’d like to address it. Let me ask first though which programs allow paparents in their 50s to adopt 12 month olds? Just curious because I haven’t encountered any.
Adoption is a selfish act basically. We adopt because we want children…those are our selfish reasons. Did my DD benefit…..well yes and no. When she was abandoned she lost her birth family. When she was adopted she lost her birth culture. However, she did come to our family and there are certain gains inherent in being a member of our family. Sometimes there will be more gain than loss for a child in adoption, sometimes more loss than gain. It all depends on the particular circumstances.
Aimee // April 22, 2007 at 11:23 pm
We are in the process of becoming foster parents. We started considering adoption after three years of no bio kids & several infertility treatments.
We started out wanting a kid to be dropped on our doorstep - really! Not wanting to deal with or acknowledge bio family, etc. . . Well we did lots of research & I have read lots of info on the internet & decided to pursue an open adoption.
That evolved to investigating the foster care system & becoming licensed (next week!).
But I do say to the case workers & all the people who traipse through our house that we want to help kids but we are doing this because we WANT TO BE PARENTS! I really want the kids that come through our home to know they are fulfilling a need of ours - not just us caring for them while they are in this situation.
Let’s face it, adoption is done because there are families who want to parent children, and are willing to pay for it.
I am not sure I agree but know there is horrible unethical adoptions happening out there & forging our way through the foster care system might be an alternative. We have the money to go “buy” a baby but the first time I saw one of the major domestic adoption firms break down costs according to race, I wanted to puke.
This is a great topic. I will add you to my adoption / foster care list!
Crystal // April 23, 2007 at 9:03 am
Selfish….
I am so irritated with friends and family that congratulate me for my altruistic nature. I am not saving this child. There are a whole world full of mothers wanting to parent. I began this journey 13 months ago with the desire to be a Mom and for my Husband to be a Pop. We were/are in love and dreamed of a family. 13 months ago I had never heard of words or phrases such as Adoption Triad. And I did research. When we received our referral I was surprised to be given her Mothers birth date. Wow, did ‘birth mothers’ come screaming on to my radar (birth fathers much later). I thought a lot about her. It was not right, It was not fair that I would parent her child because I could ‘afford’ to. And that she could not and so would not.
Is it a selfish act when a happy couple consciously conceives a child out of love? It does not seem fair that our act has become a selfish one. I understand. I see this hungry adoption machine. But there she is/was needing a family and here we are… I will adopt my child out of love and will selflessly love her. I am learning. I am trying to view this world with open and honest eyes, even though it hurts and I sometimes feel defensive.
-Perspectives of a Soon-to-be adoption Mama, thinking out loud, learning out loud
Shari // April 23, 2007 at 2:57 pm
I have to agree - having been home 7 months with our daughter I get so tired of being treated like a martyr. Lucky girl they say. Oh that is so terrific of you to save her.
She saved us too. We wanted a third child. She needed a family. There was nothing alturistic in what we did. She was on the track to have an american family be it us or someone else.
I think about her cultural loss a lot, and her loss of her birthparents. I just don’t know what to do about either of those losses.
BABS // April 26, 2007 at 3:08 am
M - I have actually seen a couple who were 50 and 49 respectively receive the referral of a child 13 months old. It can, and does happen.
Crystal - I agree that adoption cannot be selfless just as parents wanting to conceive a child aren’t. The part that really gets my undies in a bunch is the level of selfishness to which some families approach the adoption issue. In my opinion its not ok when a family doesn’t give weight to issues like their ages or decide to use adoption as a tool to parent a specific gender because–boo hoo–nature only blessed you with three healthy boys or, as one of my families said, can’t see themselves parenting a black child so they adopt an Asian one. I can’t help but think these acts are like artificial eugenics, I mean, after all there are still major issues to be addressed in each of these scenarios: if you’re both old now, you’ll be really old when your child reaches adulthood and then s/he will need to take care of your ass; if you have bio sons and adopt a little girl, she may very likely feel like an outsider not only because she’s adopted but because she’s the only girl; if you think adopting an Asian will avoid some racial issues you’re entirely wrong–Asians are still a race and although the stereotypes about them seem to be mostly positive (clever, good at math and science, beautiful) there are still stereotypes and your child will encounter many instances of instances of racism throughout his/her life. There really are some families out there that just don’t get this stuff and think that they’ll finally be a parent once their adoption is complete and that everything will be great after this because as The Beatles sang, “All you need is love.” Well, sometimes that just doesn’t cut it.
Possum // May 4, 2007 at 11:34 am
Great post.
This stuff needs to be written and read more widely.
It’s got to be about the kid.
(or the kid will never live up to dream - and will be deemed forever ungrateful for it)
Thank you.
Poss.
(Aussie adoptee)
Mom - Selfish or not! // May 11, 2007 at 8:23 am
The Waiting Child
by Debbie Bodie
I saw you meet
your child today
You kissed your
baby joyfully
And as you walked
away with her
I played pretend
you’d chosen me.
I’m happy for the baby,
yet
Inside I”m aching
miserably
I want to plead as
you go by,
“Does no-one want
a child of three?”
I saw you meet
your child today
In love with her
before you met
And as I watched
you take her out
I knew it wasn’t
my turn yet.
I recognize you
from last year!
I knew I’d seen your
face before!
But you cam for a
second babe.
Does no-one want
a child of four?
I saw you meet
your child today
But this time there was
something new
A nurse came in
and took MY hand
And then she gave
my hand to you.
Can this be true?
I’m almost six!
And there are
infants here you see?
But then you kissed me
and I knew
The child you chose
this time was me.
Poem Copyright
1997
Debbie_Bodie@prodigy.com
Paul Smith // April 14, 2008 at 11:28 am
“Adoption: Selfish or Selfless?”
If there wasn’t an outragous and unquestioned double standard between conception parenting and adoption parenting (as touched on by Crystal) you wouldn’t be asking this question.
Why not ask why people in a position to do otherwise decide add thier own little Dick and Jane to the heap of humanity when there are children with great needs needing a family?
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