I think families forget sometimes that adoption is not like ordering your child at a fast food restaurant. Sometimes I imagine adoption agencies working out of buildings resembling McDonald’s and having names like “Kids in a Flurry” or ”Kid’tin Kaboodle.” Families would drive up along side the building and yelp their ‘orders’ into a speaker: ”Yah, I’d like to get a female asian child, without any medical concerns, and between the ages of 3-9 months, please!” Then they’d just have to drive up to a door where personnel walk the child out and place her in the car. Afterwards, the worker would smile and wave the family off as they drove home happy and satisfied that they received what they requested.
Ok, so maybe this is exaggerated and inflammatory, but I really feel that sometimes Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs)–especially American PAPs–expect that adoption will work like the rest of society where generally things are done when you want them and how you want them or else someone’s head will be severed and left rolling on the ground.
Unfortunately, most people don’t have the same expectations when having their own children as they do when they’re adopting. They don’t demand that the sex of their child be female and healthy, and if they don’t get what they want they don’t want it. Things happen–life is unpredictable–and you need to be flexible.
I had a family today who received the referral of a healthy, gorgeous boy after having requested a girl, and so now they don’t want him. Funny how being a boy is like having a special need in the international adoption arena. Most families want little girls regardless of country of origin. It’s a shame that the adoption community allows for sex selection of children.
Funny how many see sex selection as an unfortunate and primitive thing that takes place in such ‘backward’ countries as China and India where boys are more valued than girls, and yet it does happen here with families that want to adopt everyday and no one questions it. Why? Could it be because many people still have this idea that adoption is a noble act; the family’s doing a great deed after all, so why not let them select the type of child they will ‘rescue’? I don’t know the answer to this one, but I sure hope someone can shine some light onto this case for me.
5 responses so far ↓
Abebech // April 22, 2007 at 1:10 am
No light to shed, sorry.
I’ve read that bio expectant parents, if they express a preference, indicate a preference for a boy, while adopting families, if they express a preference, indicate a preference for a girl. Two of the theories:
- In our patriarchal culture, a male bio descendent is desirable while a male nonbio is not
- Adoption is considered to be principally mother-driven and women prefer daughters
I think there are problems with both of these theories.
In our case, we were open to gender, but then when we switched to ET the wait time was equal for boys and girls, and since we had a boy we had the option of having a girl. We said sure, why not. We were also open to an older infant/toddler and to medical concerns, so we felt pretty confident that we’d be matched with a child who needed us even with that “preference.”
Michelle // April 22, 2007 at 2:07 am
Yep, well said and so true! I just found your blog (love it!) and look forward to reading all your posts.
artsweet // April 22, 2007 at 3:37 am
Do you think that the bias for girls is because foreign girls are seen as exotic, while stereotypes about men from other cultures are not as pleasant?
That’s my cynical view…
mom2one // April 23, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I don’t understand that either, and I feel badly for the little boy who’s referral has been rejected just because he’s a boy.
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