Consider the Kid

Wow, international adoption has really cooled off recently with all three big countries being difficult to place through. Work has been so quiet that I just don’t have much to talk about. I mean, just because they’re slowing down doesn’t mean that there aren’t kids who need homes. I only wish that were the case. Instead, they’re mostly slow because of beauracracy. Enough said.

But, my life isn’t all about work now, is it? No, it’s not, so today’s post is going to be about me. Well, and adoption. Kinda.

Recently, my husband and I have gotten the puppy-bug. Some might think we’re crazy because we already have three cats, “and now want a puppy?” Yah, I’ll admit, that sounds pretty stupid. But, we have ample room, time, and energy to raise one. It was about two weeks ago that we started researching our options, and decided we want to work with a rescue organization. Entering the world of abandoned and relinquished animals is amazing — I had no idea how much it mirrored the world of human adoption. I mean, we have to fill out a bunch of materials, sign agreements, have a home visit, have post-placement conversations, and they’re called adoptions for goodness sake!

It’s interesting though, because in some small way (notice: SMALL) I can kind of see what its like for PAPs. We had to fill out this long and somewhat invasive questionnaire, provide references, and sit for a few days while they reviewed our application. We waited patiently until we finally heard that we were accepted. Now its waiting for a “puppy referral,” which is actually quite fun yet nerve wracking. In the meantime, we’re reading a lot of books about puppy reading, and thinking about issues such as attachment issues; hoping that s/he will be able to attach to us properly, that s/he’s not been with his litter mates too long or lived in poor conditions, or hoping that my cats will be able to get along with her/him. We also keep wondering things such as “What will it look like? Will it be a boy or girl? How old will it be? Will it get along well with our cats?” It’s all at the mercy of the rescue. Then, once we do find out, we’ll be travelling up to several hundred miles to pick it up from its foster mom. Oy, the similarities are all too numerous.

I feel need to end this with a disclaimer so as to avoid any assumptions about anything I’m stating here. I’m not trying to make any unspoken comments about the manner in which animals are found loving homes, nor am I trying to trivialize the experience of families who are on their adoption journey. I’m merely making an observation about an area of which I was once ignorant, and think its interesting. I also wanted to share what’s been going on, and why I’ve been a bit absent (little work, lots of puppy searching).

Sometimes PAPs say things so foolish it can be a stange form of humor for agency workers such as myself. What makes it even more hilarious is how the family squirms as they try to justify their ridiculous statements.

I have this one family who was really concerned after hearing we had received referrals for boys. Afraid that this horrible plight might be cast upon her, she began explaining why its really important for her to receive another little girl. Reasons such as the ease of using public restrooms, and “other health issues” (not sure what was meant here) were presented to me. By the sound of her voice, I could tell she was uncomfortable, and she was obviously struggling to find reasons she felt were legitimate to reject the possibility of parenting a boy.

I didn’t know how to respond. I just kept saying “uh-huh…ok…sure…” because I couldn’t do anything else. As an agency employee, I can’t just confront her on the stupidity of what she just said. But, I also can’t let my personal feelings interfere with my work responsibility of being a pillar of support for my families. So, instead of lying (which I can’t do — I’m absolutely horrible at it) and trying to seem totally sympathetic, I just kept as quiet as possible while giving affirmatives out to ensure her I was still listening.

The part about this conversation that is laughable though, is that I’m sure this woman thought I was totally convinced by her crappy, weak, I-don’t-want-a-boy argument. Ok, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to actively seek out your social worker or other agency worker to speak about your reasons for requesting a girl, you had better have your excuses sounding professional with well thought-out points, because, damn, you really sound foolish when you’re caught in your selfishness yet try to quickly act as though its all necessary.

When it comes down to it, I think a lot of the concerns and preferences many families have when they are adopting — such as gender, age spread between siblings, or race — really stem from an inner fear. I know from families I have worked with personally that they are angry that the China program is taking too long because they want their children to have no more than x number of years between them because they were more than x number of years apart from their sibling(s) and they didn’t get along or play together or anything. I have also worked with clients who don’t want to parent African children because they just couldn’t “handle it”, meaning they think they couldn’t handle the race issues that would come along with their child’s ethnicity. Moreover, I’ve heard families complain they didn’t want to have a boy because the husband in the family is not into very masculine activities such as sports.

All of these excuses are based on fear. There are siblings out there who are the best of friends even though they have 10 years between them, and there’s also those who are a year or two apart and the worst of enemies. Everyone has different experiences, so no matter what one individual’s case may be his/her child’s experience may be drastically different. Furthermore, for those who don’t want to parent an African child due to race issues, they have to remember that even Asian children are of a different ethnicity and therefore will face similar issues to that of African children such as discrimination and racial expectations, and these issues cannot be ignored just because your Asian child’s skin happens to be closer to white than the rich, dark color of African skin. And finally, a parent who is distinctly within the socially defined role of male or female does not make him/her a better, more successful parent. Being a parent is all about allowing your child define who s/he is, and if that means your little boy likes to play with rainbow-colored ponies instead of army figurines, so be it. That’s who he is, and you should love him and support him throughout his life.

We as PAPs need to learn to let go of control. Just let it go. Let life roll on. Accept any chaos that comes your way, and make it sing. We all have the potential to raise responsible, successful, kids if we just allow them to teach us some stuff too.

In thinking about the adoption tax credit issue, and whether the money is being spent appropriately helping adoptive families or instead allocating it towards helping keep birth families together, I start to investigate the causes of abandonment and relinquishment. One such cause that I find particularly interesting is that of society’s values, and in particular, that of individuality.

It’s easier (at least for me) to tackle this issue by looking at its opposite. Take, for example, the Middle East, where individuality is not stressed within society. Instead, it is the family and community which are supreme in importance. Here, in these countries, one does not make decisions thinking they will only affect oneself, rather they are always conscious of the family’s honor and reputation. This focus on family is not just on the nuclear family either. It extends to aunts, uncles, cousins, second-cousins, great-aunts, one’s brother’s wife’s sister’s husband. Furthermore, children generally live at home until they marry, and even then they do not often move outside of their village or hometown. Each weekend, they will go visit family, further keeping those ties. If one person or family within the greater ‘clan,’ other family members will help however they can. This includes caring for children. If a family has a child which they cannot care for, or if both birth parents are deceased, other family members will take the child in and care for it. This is what family does because this is the responsibility of family.

If we look at places such as the United States as a counter-example, we see that this society values individuality far greater than community. Just look at our families themselves. I have family in California, New York, Minnesota, Illinois, and Virginia. Being this spread apart, we cannot simply get together regularly to keep in good contact with each other. In fact, I’d say I am closer to some of my friends than I am to some of my family; something that just wouldn’t happen in the Middle East as readily. Here in the U.S. children typically leave their parents’ homes when they turn 18, and they’re often required to provide for themselves. Family support systems are often not as strong because of the stress on individuality. Therefore, if a young couple here has a child which they cannot care for, giving this child to strangers to raise is an option.

I do want to stress that I am simplifying the problem somewhat. I understand that there are other causes and reasons for why a child is offered for adoption. I just feel that when thinking about the adoption tax credit or similar issues of supporting birth families, money isn’t always the answer for giving a birth family a chance at success. What we need in conjunction to this is also a change in society’s values which is much more difficult yet vital to decreasing the number of children separated from their birth families.