Sometimes PAPs say things so foolish it can be a stange form of humor for agency workers such as myself. What makes it even more hilarious is how the family squirms as they try to justify their ridiculous statements.
I have this one family who was really concerned after hearing we had received referrals for boys. Afraid that this horrible plight might be cast upon her, she began explaining why its really important for her to receive another little girl. Reasons such as the ease of using public restrooms, and “other health issues” (not sure what was meant here) were presented to me. By the sound of her voice, I could tell she was uncomfortable, and she was obviously struggling to find reasons she felt were legitimate to reject the possibility of parenting a boy.
I didn’t know how to respond. I just kept saying “uh-huh…ok…sure…” because I couldn’t do anything else. As an agency employee, I can’t just confront her on the stupidity of what she just said. But, I also can’t let my personal feelings interfere with my work responsibility of being a pillar of support for my families. So, instead of lying (which I can’t do — I’m absolutely horrible at it) and trying to seem totally sympathetic, I just kept as quiet as possible while giving affirmatives out to ensure her I was still listening.
The part about this conversation that is laughable though, is that I’m sure this woman thought I was totally convinced by her crappy, weak, I-don’t-want-a-boy argument. Ok, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to actively seek out your social worker or other agency worker to speak about your reasons for requesting a girl, you had better have your excuses sounding professional with well thought-out points, because, damn, you really sound foolish when you’re caught in your selfishness yet try to quickly act as though its all necessary.
When it comes down to it, I think a lot of the concerns and preferences many families have when they are adopting — such as gender, age spread between siblings, or race — really stem from an inner fear. I know from families I have worked with personally that they are angry that the China program is taking too long because they want their children to have no more than x number of years between them because they were more than x number of years apart from their sibling(s) and they didn’t get along or play together or anything. I have also worked with clients who don’t want to parent African children because they just couldn’t “handle it”, meaning they think they couldn’t handle the race issues that would come along with their child’s ethnicity. Moreover, I’ve heard families complain they didn’t want to have a boy because the husband in the family is not into very masculine activities such as sports.
All of these excuses are based on fear. There are siblings out there who are the best of friends even though they have 10 years between them, and there’s also those who are a year or two apart and the worst of enemies. Everyone has different experiences, so no matter what one individual’s case may be his/her child’s experience may be drastically different. Furthermore, for those who don’t want to parent an African child due to race issues, they have to remember that even Asian children are of a different ethnicity and therefore will face similar issues to that of African children such as discrimination and racial expectations, and these issues cannot be ignored just because your Asian child’s skin happens to be closer to white than the rich, dark color of African skin. And finally, a parent who is distinctly within the socially defined role of male or female does not make him/her a better, more successful parent. Being a parent is all about allowing your child define who s/he is, and if that means your little boy likes to play with rainbow-colored ponies instead of army figurines, so be it. That’s who he is, and you should love him and support him throughout his life.
We as PAPs need to learn to let go of control. Just let it go. Let life roll on. Accept any chaos that comes your way, and make it sing. We all have the potential to raise responsible, successful, kids if we just allow them to teach us some stuff too.
20 responses so far ↓
goingbacktosquareone // May 1, 2007 at 11:54 pm
Amen.
mom2one // May 2, 2007 at 1:05 am
Great post. Wonderful. The last paragraph is so wonderful and something I wish more parents and PAPs would realize.
My son happens to be All Boy, but we honestly wouldn’t care if he did like rainbow-colored ponies. As long as he’s happy; that’s the important thing.
Thanks for this.
Aimee // May 2, 2007 at 1:13 am
Yes - well said.
But it’s hard to let go of the vision you may have had for your family. If I ever thought of what my family might look like, it got as far as hoping they were tall because my husband & I are both tall.
Now I just hope I have healthy & happy kids.
But I think people get their minds wrapped around one thing & when you suggest something different - it might throw some people.
I look at adoption & my attitude towards adoption as evolving & becoming more progressive. But it takes time. And it takes education.
Peace.
Crystal // May 2, 2007 at 6:41 am
As a naive first time PAP I remember thinking that if I did not decide, then the choice would be made for me. Fear also plays its role. I feared I would only be able to have one child. I had not thought previously how fear has played a role in my decision making. Worth thinking about.
Mayhem // May 2, 2007 at 4:18 pm
The “Must Have Girl!” mindset among many adoptive parents is something that drives me crazy, too. And the “asian is closer to white, so racism isn’t such a big deal” is pretty frightening. You’re right that it’s about fear– but it’s also about entitlement (at least in the U.S.) and PAPs feeling like they deserve to have what they planned (gender, spacing, etc) and can’t handle having it any other way.
I mostly wanted to say thank you for what you’ve written here so far, and encourage you to continue! We appreciate your thoughts and perspective.
Michelle // May 2, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Babs you are so right on again. I got a chuckle about preferencing a girl over a boy due to the ease of using a public bathroom. Unbelievable! Our little girl is ALL “boy”…forget the cute frilly dresses, bows in the hair, ballet, etc. She is who she is and we love her to pieces and wouldn’t want her any other way.
Jen // May 3, 2007 at 1:36 am
Wow, I would love to be a fly on the wall during some of these conversations! You must have heard just about everything by now. I wonder if she had some deeper reasons for wanting a girl, besides the restroom stuff and the unspecified health issues thing. I don’t think I would have had your patience…I probably would have probed more deeply with this one. Because it is all about her “expectations”, and if she thinks they will all be met just because the gender of her child is female, she’s in for a rough road.
How will this play out further down the line when her child does not meet her “girl” expectations? Or her academic or social expectations? Will her daughter be a big “disappointment” to her?
We personally asked for a boy since we knew that boys were not being requested as often as girls (we weren’t adopting from China at that time). I have no expectations on what my son will be like as he grows up… I want him to be happy in life, and feel like I’d do anything in my power to bring this about. Including accepting anything about him that does not fit my preconceived “boy” stereotypes.
I have found that many PAP’s want baby girls, and wouldn’t consider a boy. As we get to know them, and they see my son, they have learned that boys are pretty great, too.
People need to be clear on what they can handle, as to the race issue. If you only feel capable of parenting a child of your own race, then there are avenues to that end. If you feel that you are adopting from China over Ethiopia because the children are “whiter”, then you are deluding yourself. Any child of a different race needs sensitive parents; you are going to be a transracial family no matter if your child is Asian or African, and you need to face the issues that society will throw at your family. On the other hand, I personally chose China this time due to the stability of the program (albeit it’s a long wait), and the more-ethical-than-most nature of the CCAA’s adoption program. I know people from China, they live in my community, and there are many cultural resources in my area. I didn’t go with Ethiopia, because it seemed more of an unknown program at the time.
However, i am not ruling anything out for “next time”
Mommela // May 3, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Yup, it’s fear.
It’s fear and it’s desperately grasping at any kind of control over a situation that’s completely out of control.
It’s letting go of that fantasy family that (most) women have held, in one form or another, since childhood.
It’s society’s expectation that while it’s “good” to “rescue” little girls, little boys who “need rescuing” shows weakness.
You might remind the PAPs they don’t get a choice in birth, and if they would categorically turn down a referral if it was for a boy. Ask them if they could say “no” to a boy who needed a family. They may be able to see beyond their tunnel-vision to see that it’s about being parents to a child, not about picking a puppy.
Elaine // May 3, 2007 at 11:46 pm
This is the first post where I don’t agree with you. While the woman you refer to sounds flighty, my husband and I decided on two girls for our family. Both are SN. We are waiting for PA for our second child.
Our reasons for this, while personal, are sound and based on our backgrounds and experiences.
GDSinPA // May 4, 2007 at 3:17 pm
It is about fear. But that’s not to say the fear is a bad thing categorically.
If you for whatever reason really don’t think you can handle the challenges of parenting a certain child, then you should not attempt to do so.
As you’ve mentioned here. While there are challenges for adopting from both China and Ethiopia, those challenges are different. Both will encounter discrimination and stereotypes, but those encounters will be very different. It’s not enough to simply say “I can handle a multi-ethnic family.” One must consider specifically what exactly they can handle, and how much.
As Jen mentioned, a lot of adoption decisions have to do with how comfortable the PAPs are with the process. Many of us enter the world of international adoption without a country in mind and choose partly based on what we learn about each nation’s process. For instance, my agency has just started up program for Haiti, which we felt drawn to, but decided for our first child, we would go another route and perhaps revisit the idea once that program has matured.
Mommella - I agree with you that many of us PAPs see an opportunity for control through adoption. Not sure what to do about that, I try not to be that way, but I think there are some elements of it there even for me. I think it’s partly because much of our time is spent waiting without a due date, so we try to control the other aspects of the process.
As for rescuing a child? I think that’s more societies misunderstanding of what we are doing. - is that what you mean? I’ve met very few PAPs that are the least bit motivated by that concept. It’s about forming a family, not about rescuing some poor child. Those who are motivated by providing charity more than family risk stigmatizing their kids.
Good thought provoking post.
maura // May 5, 2007 at 5:44 am
See, I don’t know if they were crazy…. the comment “health issues” in relation to a boy from china might have just been in reference to an idea that a *healthy* chinese boy wouldn’t have been made available for international adoption in the first place. Aren’t boys adopted from china generally special needs? You’d know way more about that than I do….
m // May 6, 2007 at 12:33 am
I really don’t find any of this laughable at all. Paparents have a right to decide for themselves what type of child they can handle parenting. They actually don’t owe you any excuse at all. I don’t owe you a reason, for example, for why I wouldn’t adopt from Ethiopia (not true, but just an example).
What is your function in the agency? Are you a social worker? What are you licensed to do? I’ve read you mentioning that you wanted to do something with your Mandarin training, but do you actually interact with clients?
m // May 6, 2007 at 12:34 am
Oh, and when I requested a girl from China, I was NEVER asked the reason I wasn’t open to a boy.
Cindy La Joy // May 7, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Damn, you hit it on the head with this one! As the mom to two terrific Kazakh boys and traveling in 12 days for an awesome older Kyrgyz boy, I can only say “Right On!!”. I have blogged about the subject of how terrific boys are, how people are missing out on so much with their preconceived notions. One of the things I HATE about adoptive parents is how they order a child like they order a hamburger. It is ridiculous. We actually drove our social workers a bit nuts when doing our homestudies because we absolutely refused to place limitations on the child we might adopt…we didn’t limit age, gender or race…but due to location and lack of services we did carefully review what special needs we could handle (our new son has cleft lip and palate). We thought this time around it might be a girl in between the ages of our other two sons, but lo and behold by just letting it happen an older boy came along and we were thrilled!
I am not so certain it is actually all about fear, I think it is more about getting your way and thinking you have the right to control certain things. I mean, our society is such these days that we instantly get what we want, when we want it, and damn if it better not be EXACTLY as we asked for. Self-centeredness tends to enter my mind where this is concerned.
The control issues of PAP’s come out in all areas of adoption, try traveling with one who didn’t “get their way” and see how spoiled they act, how embarassing they can be…and you begin to understand why people from otehr countries dread dealing with pushy Americans.
I guess in the long run though, we need to thank God that some parents do get their way, as they would not be good parents to children who don’t fit their preconceived notion of what they wanted…but what a shame they are so closed minded, what a shame they don’t know what they are missing! Thanks for calling it like it is and pointing it out, if it makes some people uncomfortable then maybe they might rethink why they are adopting in the first place. We wanted to parent, period. We are blessed and so filled daily for gratitude for the children we have, and it wouldn’t matter at all if they were black, white, purple, girl or boy!!
Margie // May 8, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Excellent post!
I think the tendency for PAPs to want to control adoption to the degree you describe has a lot of sources. For those who are infertile, I think there may be a desire to control at last what has been uncontrollable for so long. Others may be tangled up in the “chosen child” thing.
But when it comes to fear of raising Asian boys, I worry that there’s something more sinister at play - latent, or maybe not so latent, racism. Some may still view Asian men through the prism of World War II.
Good stuff here, glad I found your blog.
Louise // May 8, 2007 at 8:27 pm
I don’t disagree with your post. I also don’t understand why people prefer girl adoptions over boys, etc.
However, I do think many people who want to adopt girls are interested in China adoptions for that very reason, so perhaps it was disconcerting for this family to find out that they could receive a boy!
I really enjoy reading your perspective as someone who works in the adoption business, so please keep up the writing- thanks again!
Elizabeth // May 20, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Honestly, I am annoyed by people who choose a gender. However, as an adoptive parent, I will defend the rights of adoptive parents to make the decisions that they feel are right for their family. You are a social worker who is hired to perform a homestudy. Your job is to do your best to ensure that a child is placed with a family who can do right by them (personally, I view the role of social workers in adoption as a big joke because nearly all families are passed through with no problem). Although, you can certainly have your opinions, the reality is that you are a social worker and have not went through the process of becoming an adoptive parent and can’t understand all that goes into that process. I would never have cared if we received a boy or a girl, but in this couple’s situation I would have been curious about why the baby boys are being placed for adoption. It is exceedingly rare for a healthy baby boy to be placed for adoption in China and need to be placed in another country…the couple had the right to express concern about this.
blondie // June 29, 2007 at 8:30 am
Its interesting what debate this post has stirred in people.
As an approved PAP, I am of the belief that if I was to have my own biological child, I wouldn’t be able to choose its gender - so why should I be given a choice now? I know everyone has a preference one way or the other, but it doesn’t mean to say that if you were allocated a child of the opposite gender you would love them any less.
I think PAPs who are obsessed about a particular gender for what ever reason, are leaving themselves open to pain and heartache later on down the track, particularly if their expectations for a specific gender are not met.
It should be a reasonable expectation that PAPs should prepare themselves for the positives of being allocated either a boy or a girl and thank their lucky stars when that bundle of joy comes home.
Adoption isn’t a right, its a privilege.
Tammy // July 10, 2007 at 4:20 am
Interesting post. I do believe that fear is integral to some making the decision they do in the adoption process. As well though, I do believe part of this struggle for many comes down to coming to terms with the very real fact that adoption is different from having children through pregnancy, the way many if not most thought they would. All the ideals held by hope to be mothers has to be visited, re-visited and grieved , embraced in order to understand that we can’t and won’t have things the way we want.And that’s okay. And to breathe and let go… and take some risks we may not have considered before and hope. And most of all, prepare to be the parents we need to be to the children that will join our families.
I just found your blog and look forward to reading more.
Someone // August 21, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Wow .. you are really arrogant.
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