I am starting to have some serious doubts about adoption lately. Maybe I’m just getting jaded because I hear a lot of stupid stuff that happens, but I’m starting to feel that the rotten apples are really spoiling the whole bunch, and I’m not sure I want to be apart of it.
When I first began thinking about international adoption long before my job, it just seemed like a good decision for myself and the global community at large: There were kids out there who didn’t have families due to a variety of reasons (poverty, for example), and I thought I could help save the world by giving a child a home. It all seemed so good-natured and and in the best interest of everyone involved. My god, how absolutely naive of me.
Now, after working in the adoption field for a number of years, and being closer to the process, I see all of adoption’s dirty laundry. I have encountered numerous families that just make me cringe because of how they view adoption–especially in the China program which up until recently hasn’t been very restrictive. I can’t stand families who have 4 boys and want to adopt because the mother always imagined raising a daughter, but had these boys instead. Or the couple in their mid-fifties who stated they were open to an older child on all their paperwork, yet when their referral arrived and was for a 5 year-old, they suddenly were very upset about this and considered her “damaged goods” (my words, not theirs) because attachment would not be as simple as if she were 12 months. Furthermore, I have known families nearing 50 who become so desparate for a child that although they have their preference for a white infant AYAP, will accept an Asian child nearing 2 because they want a kid so bad.
In their desparacity, they totally ignore issues of transracial parenting because “what’s important is that they are now a family.”
And then there’s the ever-more prevalent attitude that gets me of families who want to adopt from China because they want a girl. They have no connection to the country, culture, language–nothing. They take their kid out to the Chinese buffet on special occasions as a way to show them their “Chinese-ness.” This is just such bull-shit, and I just don’t know if I want to be apart of this community by adopting my own child.
I know what I need to realize, and its just hard to do right now. What I need to remind myself is that I am only seeing these families for a relatively short period of time while they are waiting for the addition of a new family member. I really think you can see the worst of people during this time. I’m sure these families change by leaps and bounds after they are placed with the child, and quite frankly I don’t see how they couldn’t change. But I never see this side of it. I don’t see the families years after placement to see how things are going, how the parents are sharing in the adoption journey with their child.
I think in general I am just at a low with my job right now, but that’s ok. Everything has its rhythms, and this is part of mine.
When will some of these families realize that these are little, young PEOPLE they are fawning over–not puppies. The families with 4 boys should be happy and thankful that they have had such a blessed family at all. And fifty-year olds should not want to have nor be placed with an infant. Such a concept should not even be fathomed.
16 responses so far ↓
Sandra Hanks Benoiton // August 31, 2007 at 4:39 am
Has working in the adoption industry conveyed some special god-like power of judgement upon your self-righteous head? Or have you simply adjusted to a position of one who holds a wee bit of power over people and assumes that power is deserved?
How dare you judge the family of four wishing to adopt a fifth child. How dare you make a determination that a family won’t transform into the best sort of transracial mix? How dare you put the words “damaged goods” into the mouth of hopeful adoptive parents, even by implication?
Being a fifty-six-year-old mother of a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, both placed with me at the age of 13 weeks, I resent the hell out of any implication that my children would somehow have been better off without my poor, old self as their loving mother, and your blanket statement, “fifty-year olds should not want to have nor be placed with an infant”, shows your bigotry and small-mindedness.
Maybe someone who “can’t stand families … ” shouldn’t be working in the adoption field. I can only imagine what a horror you would be to encounter in the early stages of such a life-altering process.
Sitting across the table from someone so high and mighty? No thanks. I’d be looking for someone with experience, wisdom, eithics and compassion, not a faded messiah complex, a chip on her shoulder and a little bit of authority that’s gone to her head.
Get over yourself, Honey.
Cate // August 31, 2007 at 7:29 am
Oh, I was sooo right with you until that last sentence. 3.9 million U.S. children are currently being raised by a grandparent. http://ohioline.osu.edu/ss-fact/0158.html
If there are 50 year old couples who feel ready to take on the demands of parenting an infant, and their doctors and social worker agree they’re capable, I’m glad it’s being fathomed. Not every child has to be raised by a 20-40 year old in order to have a good life. Every child deserves to have a parent or parents who appreciate parenting for the demanding job that it is. If they’re willing to make the physical sacrifices, and are prepared to face college bills in retirement, well — realistically, millions of bio-relatives are proving that it’s not so unfathomable.
But that wasn’t your main point, of course. About that — I finally had to stop going to my adoptive parents support group because so many displays of casual indifference to their children’s cultural dies (and already evident experiences of discrimination, even by preschool and elementary) were too unsettling. One thought it was amusing, but otherwise unimportant, that his black son had pointed out that there were “no black people” in their town. Even when the boy one day excitedly spotted a cultural event that had drawn hundreds of blacks into town for the afternoon, the parents’ reaction was to walk past without missing a beat. Even knowing that he’d spent years being raised by an African-American foster family in a predominantly black community, they seemed remarkably blind to how alien their lily-white community must seem to a child who is already disoriented by displacement and loss.
These and the other parents in the group weren’t consciously racist. They were well-meaning, self-defined liberals who just didn’t have a clue. And hadn’t been required to get one before adopting.
White privilege bestows such huge blinders. It takes serious commitment to see beyond them. But where is that commitment supposed to develop if there is no one casting a light on that privilege and asking the prospective adopter(s) hard questions about what it means for the son or daughter who will not share in it. It would be a good start if more agencies set some basic requirements for transracial and intercultural adoptive parent eligibility. Anyone who finds it too onerous to do something as minimal as reading a few books and spending an extra hour or two discussing with the social worker how their child will develop a healthy sense of cultural identity, is someone worth screening out. Every child needs a familiy, but they need family for many things. Including developing a self-concept, learning to find self-worth, and finding faith that their family will always provide a safe foundation for exploring the rich (as well as scary) diversity of the world.
Cate // August 31, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Reflecting on our local foster parent program, it dawns on me that the two longest-standing foster families are both retiree couples, so well over 50, who’ve taken nothing but medically fragile infants for over 10 years each. Another reason why to re-think this notion that 50 year olds couldn’t and shouldn’t raise infants. Our social workers hold those two families up as role models, not only for their fostering but for service mentoring other fost/adopt parents and volunteer work of running several foster parent support groups. Their example tells me it’s possible not only be adequate parents late in life, but even exemplary ones.
Kari // August 31, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I wish I shared your optimism that adoptive parents will become more aware of the importance of culture/language/role models/etc. after the adoption. If anything, I think a lot of parents fall into their regular routine and don’t think about it until maybe the teenage years (and only then if their child starts talking about it). I wish that adoptive parents were required to read experiences of adult adoptees - it would make a big difference I think.
I understand your frustration with the older couple who said they were open to an older child, but then weren’t. I also see how being transracially adopted and also having older parents (who would be in their 70s when you graduate high school) would be tough on a child. Grandparents can do an awesome job taking care of children, but they are still the grandparents. I know if my parents were in their 80s right now, I would have a tough time taking care of them if needed (medically or financially), whereas in 20 or 30 years I will be much more able to do that.
Emma // August 31, 2007 at 9:13 pm
If adoption is in your heart, don’t allow the misguided behavior and reputation of others in the adoption community change that. Change the status quo for the better
Help educate the masses! Model appropriate actions with your own family!
Yes, there’s truth in what you’ve written - particularly around the token celebrations where families dress their kids up once a year and take them to a Chinese banquet. I don’t think it’s a generalization, it’s a heartbreaking reality. But in the end, it’s every family’s own choice.
I sometimes wonder if this is because of how the parents arrived at adoption. Some people arrive at adoption as a last resort to creating a family, and that’s their focus - having a family. I believe some of the irresponsible actions we see is due to ignorance, and not because they know and choose not to do anything with that knowledge. Their focus isn’t on creating a multicultural family through adoption (and understanding the huge responsibility that comes with that), it’s on ‘having a baby’.
I also think that for every piece of dirty laundry in the adoption community that there’s a clean piece also, and there are some amazing people with great depth of understanding who are doing incredible things.
anonymous for this // August 31, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Unfortunately, I bet you’re seeing the best of adoptive parents.
Also unfortunately, someone has to “judge” whether prospective adoptive parents have the ability to parent an adopted child not just adequately, but well. I imagine that the age of the PAP might be a consideration in some cases, and maybe not a concern in others. So be it.
Personally, I’m glad to see adoption agencies who are willing to admit that some PAPs might not be ideal parents for particular children (whether it be age, finances, health, the needs of the child, or whatever).
When an AP or PAP is immediately defensive and offended by even the concept that someone might not think they are PERFECT ADOPTIVE PARENTS, DAMN IT, YOU JUDGEMENTAL FREAK… I just don’t think that’s a good sign, hmmm?
bettywilma // September 1, 2007 at 11:31 am
Unless I’m missing something, don’t most people graduate from high school around 17 or 18 years old? Maybe my math is bad but that hardly puts a 50 year old in their 70s for graduation.
A 50 year old adopting from China requesting AYAP is not okay in your book but the CCAA approves it. How do you reconcile that?
Jen // September 1, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I share your declining opinion of the majority of prospective adoptive parents. Still a PAP myself, I have grown tired of the never ending parade of blogs regaling a family’s God-inspired journey through adoption. Will these folks ever take their heads out of the clouds long enough to realize the many harsh realities of adoptive parenting?
I agree with Kari, that PAPs and APs should start reading about the experiences of adult adoptees. I have just recently realized the importance of learning from their histories and wish others would do so as well.
atlasien // September 2, 2007 at 4:08 pm
I came over here from Dawn’s… interesting post.
I am an Asian-American in the process of adopting from the local foster care system. Chinese adoption holds an odd fascination for me though.
I agree the attitude of many of the parents is frightening. The thing that most bothers me (and also many other Asian-Americans) is how they don’t understand the racial and ethnic identity needs of their kids. It’s the myth of honorary whiteness. How many of these parents tried to learn Mandarin? Have read Takaki’s “Strangers From Another Shore?” Very few I bet. It is painful to think that some white parents think of Asian kids as almost as good as white.
Of course there are also interracial and Chinese-American couples adopting from China, as well as other people who really do have deep ties to Asian-American communities, so I don’t want to generalize too much.
Overall, I think the field of international adoption needs much stricter regulation. Who is keeping statistics on disruption? Providing standards for adoptive parent education?
On a personal level my advice to you is to keep your passion but maintain a broad perspective. I personally don’t want to feel bitter every time I see a little Chinese adoptee. I remind myself that all kinds of children have messed-up parents. Their life and identity exploration may be difficult but it could be worse. There’s an infinite number of ways to screw up a kid for life… sigh.
imtina // September 3, 2007 at 1:44 am
I am surprised at the strong comments about this post. I’m so appalled at the entitlement I read in PAP blogs that I have come to not want to ‘out’ myself as an adoptive parent. Anyway, I think anyone in your position would feel the way you do. I have felt throughout the adoption of my daughter that there needs to be so much more education on the part of the adopting family. Books need to be read, interviews done of TRAs, and a big fat dose of humility wouldn’t hurt either.
imtina // September 3, 2007 at 1:45 am
Also,
Sandra, your response is startling and rude and I find that really surprising. Why are you so threatened by someone else’s experience and opinion? Why do you have to resent it so? If you’re so secure with your family and your choices, then it should really shouldn’t bother you at all. Just a thought.
Amy // September 3, 2007 at 2:59 am
I know how you feel. People like you can change it though. Just like me. Together we will make a difference.
christine // September 3, 2007 at 5:57 pm
I certainly don’t think you can make a blanket decision that covers every person over the age of 45 … 50. Yet, I will support the fact that I think you are venting out of frustration and the realities that you see every day. These children deserve to have their adoptive parents scrutinized thoroughly. Some people enter adoption for self-serving reasons. You have a very difficult but vitally important job.
From the intent of your entire post, I believe your main frustration lies with WHY that couple made a last minute “acceptance.” The harsh reality is that some people do make changes in their adoptions based on convenience. That is not every couple. It is not every adoption. But I respect the fact that you see it ALL … and you hear it ALL … and at the same time you are looking at the faces of all the waiting children and seeing how THEY are being judged. So, while I think some older adults can and should parent, I will support your frustration.
I personally have heard parents make their decision on the age of a child, based on the fact that older children have “more baggage” (their words). I have also heard the “I’ve always wanted a little girl” come out in training sessions. I’ve heard people choose biracial children that might be able to pass as their Italian heritage … already showing that they are not embracing the special needs and differences of an adopted child.
Some of those families will mold, grow and change for the better throughout the life of a child. Some won’t. Those AP’s need required education … thorough education … and extreme scrutiny. The child should always come first … always.
BABS // September 5, 2007 at 1:23 am
One thing I want to point out is that I’m not making any judgment on the quality of love that the parents in the situations I described. I’m sure its terrific. What my point was really about was the selfishness of these parents by thinking primarily “I want to parent X” whether that X be a girl, an Asian child, or just a child at all, they are first considering their desires. Don’t get me wrong, I think you must have a desire to parent and adopt, but you also need to seriously think about the long-term implications: how will this little girl feel when she’s older and realizes she was adopted because of her sex? what will happen to your child if you are older and health concerns make parenting near impossible?
I have seen several cases of older parents adopting only to find out they have medical concerns that considerably shorten their life expectancy. In some of these cases, the children have been the only-child, and its horrifically sad to see children have to experience immense grief and loss twice in their young lives.
Your supporter // September 17, 2007 at 1:43 am
I’m with you all the way. Thank you for your honesty in this post. The entitlement that some PAP’s convey is enough to make me cringe. I feel sorry for their adopted children, as if they are being referred to materialistically without much thought to their own individualism as people. The AP’s that consider their children “lucky to have been adopted” or their status as “just some poor orphan kid whose slanted eyes make them a cute China doll.” There are many wonderful adoptive parents out there, but unfortunately it’s the insecure, boastful, and ignorant ones (Sandra at the top of this comment list) that ruin it for the others. Keep blogging and sharing your words and feelings with us. We have a lot to learn from you.
Margie // September 17, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Very late to this party, but wanted to add a few thoughts.
I agree with you that there’s so much that’s wrong with adoption as it’s practiced today, not just transnational adoption, but domestic adoption in the U.S.
Trying to zero in on prospective a-parent motivations has got to be an incredible challenge. I don’t work in adoption, but just being a human being tells me that your antennae must go up when someone that clearly doesn’t get the incredible responsibility that comes with adopting makes demands or voices criticism.
What I still don’t understand after having raised two Korean teens is why adoption agencies are so completely unempowered to address what they know are issues that will present danger to the children in future? I’m not asking this rhetorically, I seriously want to understand why, when a couple says a five-year-old is “damaged goods,” that couple isn’t immediately pulled for additional counseling and training?
My guess is that our screwed up adoption laws prevent it. I’m not sure how we correct that, but somehow we must.
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