While doing some monkey work midday, I received a call from a soon-to-be dad with referral but waiting to travel. He was all charged up, but not angry. He was frantic…nervous…worried. Apparently he’s been reading about adoption all throughout the wait, but it hadn’t been until earlier this summer when he discovered a new genre of adoption literature: that of adult adoptees who are displeased with the “adoption industry.”
He stated that he had been reading a lot from this aspect over the past few months and had been thinking about it on a theoretical level, however when the photo of his referral arrived is when this issue became all so real. He now wanted reassurance that he wasn’t just feeding “the machine” of affluent families buying babies from struggling parents, and answers for some tough questions his adopted daughter may ask him some day about her journey to his family.
Perhaps it’s weird, but I was so excited to hear this from him for two reasons. First, I have been asking many of the same questions he has as of late (hence the slowness in blogging—I’ve been trying to come to terms with some personal conundrums with adoption) and was happy to not be the only one with an underlying feeling that adoption is overall a good thing but who comes up short when confronted with arguments from alone in this struggle. Secondly, he’s one of the parents that just “gets it.” He realizes the seriousness of adoption and the struggles with identity, history, and society’s perception with which adoptees have to deal.
The frustrating part however, is that he thought that by him asking these questions and having this discussion with me that I would see him as a “bad” adoptive parent. Now, I want to make this ever so clear for all those PAPs out there who feel/think the same way: Asking questions about adoption (i.e. whether its morally right, how to prepare for the questions your child will have about his/her history, how to react to people you might encounter on the street) is terrific! In fact, I wish, wish, wish more parents would ask these types of questions. By having this man ask these questions he actually did the exact opposite of what he thought he was doing: He probably thought that I was judging his commitment to this child negatively because he was questioning adoption, but in fact I felt that his motivations and commitment to this child were even stronger because he was pursuing these issues now.
I’m so proud of parents like this father to take initiative to investigate both the positive and negative aspects of adoption because it isn’t all rosey and there will be challenges to overcome as their child matures. That being said, I also know that this child entering their home will have a wonderfully supportive family to grow up in, and that makes this job worth all the while. While conversations like this are few and far between, it is my sincere hope that more of the families that I work with do have these same type of questions and find the support and
4 responses so far ↓
Margie // November 5, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Please, please, please keep spreading this thought! There are many adoptive parents who are working very hard to figure out what is right and ethical, how to balance their hope to be parents against the potential of feeding the machine, and so on. What often happens is that they are vilified by other adoptive parents, suspected of wishing dire consequences on the world’s children, or accused of disloyalty to their agency (which in the young adoptive parent community is a potent accusation).
When adoption agency professionals spread the word that it’s OK - better than OK - to ask questions, perhaps the unquestioning parents will back off a little.
And that would be so good for adoption.
Thank you for posting this!!
karen // November 8, 2007 at 4:40 am
We have just been chosen by a Birth Mother and are waiting for Baby to be born (of course, the mother can always change her mind, and have second thoughts, and who would blame her, really?)
After having survived twin daughters going through a rough puberty, I know the hurtful comments and questioning that happens from approx. 14-19 ( these are biological kids).
So when choosing the country of adoption (we are in Canada) we chose the US in order to be closer to the Mother if she or our child needs more contact/ answers, and we opted to cover all the bases and pay the “extra” for caucasian adoption, although realistically our adopted child will be african- american. Why pay more when the numbers almost guarantee an african-american child at reduced fees?
Race will be an important issue for this child growing up in a “swirled” family, and I can already imagine the angry accusation of the future teenager, of having been a “rich white family” wanting to “buy” a “black baby” (there is an adoption ed video out there where an angry young woman accuses her parents of this).
I want this child to know that we were open to any Birth Mother of any race (including caucasian) choosing us. The only way for me to show this is by paying full fees no matter what.
I can understand the potential father worrying about the future of his child and the questions, and the possible abuse of the system by parties involved, but when I start to worry I remember that we’ve done our best to choose a responsible agency, we’ve tried to be as honest as possible in how we portray ourselves in the home study and in the BP letter, we are open to any degree of openness the Mother chooses now, or in the future, and we are committed to this child through all the stages of parenting (which go on forever, and thank goodness don’t stay stuck in puberty!), which include race, and/or gender issues, personality quirks, individual interests.
Parenting is always a shifting experience where it helps to have “your knees bent” in anticipation of the next surprise that’ll hit you. And those surprises, pleasant and unpleasant will come, so be prepared to be flexible yet consistent, and open-minded, creative in a structured kind of way. And communicate openly.
aimg // November 14, 2007 at 4:30 am
Karen - what a lovely post.
I have been thinking about starting a blog, “Ijustdontwantmykidstohateme.com. I have no idea what they think or even if they will still be here (we are foster parents). But I have an open communicative relationship with bio mom. I always go to the home visit a couple of minutes early, so we can visit & the kids can see us conversing.
But I am worried. But there is only so much that is in my control.
Peace.
cookiebaker // December 3, 2007 at 2:03 am
As a reunited birth mom, I get tons of flack for questioning bad adoption practices. Saying anything negative about adoption practices is taboo in some circles.
But, I too applaud adoptive parents who do question, educate themselves and learn. It gives me some hope that some aparents now understand some of the reforms needed in adoption.
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