Most people come to adoption after having to grieve not being able to have biological children. I feel, for me, I may have the opposite experience.
This week, I came across some beautiful, school-aged boys and thought to myself, “we could do this.” They were from a country which we would be eligible for, and have some ties to. I sent a few photos to my husband via email, and he responded saying we should see what the fees are like. I wasn’t expecting this enthusiasm from him. I was instead expecting him to give me some placid response. Initially a little excited, I soon realized adopting may not be in our future. At least not in the next few years. This is because my husband is currently in the midst of a very intensive interview process for a large multi-national corporation. If he were to get the position, we would travel to a new country and make a new home there every 8 months for 2 years. Although he would initially take a significant pay cut, it would inevitably lead to my husband fulfilling some lifelong goals of his.
I can’t deny — this sounds like so much fun for us, and love to daydream about it. When he first told me about the opportunity, he asked if I’d be ok with it since I’d be in this weird space of not having a career of my own for 2 years. Initially, I told him it would be just fine — that if we adopted I would have all this time to spend with our child — foraging bonds of trust and love. But this week, when I seriously began thinking of really bringing a child into our family during this time, it seemed ludicrous. My role as an adoptive parent — particularly in the beginning — is to provide stability and predictability. And yet, we’d move every 8 months; leaving behind our home, our friends, and everything we had just made familiar. That’s no life for an adoptive child, no matter what age. I feel sad; like a dream I’ve had for years is dying — or at least moving further back on the list of priorities in our life together just when I thought it’d make its way to the forefront.
The only way we could bring a child into our life if my husband were to get this job, would be for us to have a little biological child. But this doesn’t really appeal to me. Giving birth to a child has never crossed my mind. Seriously. I never dreamed about it growing up or even after meeting my husband. I just haven’t wanted to do it. And I was thankful that I met and married someone who also desired to adopt. But now, I feel like I’m put in this lame dilemma: either bear my own, or wait another 2-3 years to think about bringing a kid into our life again.
Now granted, my husband hasn’t been offered the job yet — hell, he hasn’t even finished the lengthy interview process. But to me right now, this job raises the potential to really be a Debby-Downer on our family building plans. And yet, I don’t want to jinx this because I think my husband would love the job — it’s what he has always wanted, and I think he’d excel at it. I realize everything comes with its consequences, and this is one of those decisions that we may have to make.
