Obsessed

Hubby J and I finally came to a conclusion in regards to the deaf/HoH issue and decided we’d be open to it. It’s funny though, how differently we approach big decisions like this and yet come to the same conclusion. Me, I’m a researcher. When something grabs my interest, I get consumed by it. And I go out and research until I can research no more. So, this deaf/HoH stuff has been no different: I’ve done loads of research. This has led to some really great local resources: theater performances that have ASL interpreters present, schools with specific deaf/HoH programs, Deaf community groups, library ASL story times, etc. I’ve also found some fascinating inventions being developed for deaf/HoH. It’s so great, and it really makes me confident that we can do this because there’s so much support available in our community.

Hubby J takes a different approach to things like this though. He really didn’t have any interest in the results of my research (I get excited when I come across something really cool or interesting and just have to share it with somebody). What it took for him to get to this point was a long road trip by himself. Last weekend he had to drive a few hours away to go visit his family. I stayed home because we had no where to put the dog (and I was a thankful for the excuse so as to avoid the in-laws). On his drive home, he said he turned off the radio, and just sat with himself, thinking about what life would be like with a child who couldn’t hear, and tried to figure out what scared him about it. He said he knew kids who were severely cognitively delayed growing up, and that that experience has scared him of the idea of adopting a child with a special need generally, and especially with something seen as being pretty severe such as deafness. But then, he said, he thought about what a deaf kid would be like. The kid would be able to run and jump and think and play and converse — the only thing they can’t do is hear. That’s it. It was then that he realized that deafness just isn’t that huge of a deal, and that we could handle the need.

Although I have not found a satisfactory answer yet on incorporating Deaf and Chinese culture into our American and Hearing culture, I think it can be done, and done well — or at least well enough. The resolution? We’ll just work at it the best we can. We’ll make sure our child has a myriad of friends — hearing and non-hearing, Chinese and otherwise, and adopted and not. I also have some friends in China, and am already having them search out books on Chinese Sign Language (CSL) so that if we are matched with a deaf kid, we can have those around the house to play with (I always enjoyed learning words in different languages as a child even if I wasn’t bilingual in them — so hopefully our kid will too, but if not, at least the resources were made available). And I at least still know how to write in Chinese, so my child and I can work on that together.

Since Hubby J came on board, we have been preparing ourselves for daily challenges we might face with a deaf kid. The most important and obvious challenge is language — which is why I’m already learning ASL, and Hubby J will be starting it in the fall (at a time when I will need to change my focus to school and graduating). Plus, Hubby J has an electrical engineering background, so between my creative prowess and his practical technical skills, we have already come up with some hair-brain ideas that could help us all get along easier.

Now, it’s true, we still have 6 months before we’re even eligible to be matched with a child. And deafness/HoH isn’t even the only need to which we’re open. So it may be the case that the child we’re matched with isn’t deaf. But I figure, that’s ok. Because right now we’re just preparing for the need that might most change our lifestyle, and if it’s less than that, it’s kinda like, no harm, no foul. We’re on an exciting journey at least!

Not a Normal Feeling

Is there something wrong with me that I don’t want to have my own kids? Ones that would share the genes of my husband and I? Ones that would invoke people to say things like: “oh my he has your eyes” or “she looks just like Hubby J”? Because I really don’t want that.

I’ve never thought about having my own kids. Prior to getting married, Hubby J and I agreed that we would adopt when we wanted to add to our family. We’ve waited five long years to even become eligible for adoption, and now that we’re there, I find myself looking introspectively at my feelings of adoption and family building.

When I worked at the adoption agency, I thought I was surrounded by like-minded people — maybe even some whose feelings towards adoption even surpassed my own. Yet, so many of my co-workers who supported the mission of the agency, never wanted to consider building their own family through adoption. One friend of mine had said she wanted to have a couple kids of her own, and then maybe she’d adopt. Well, she’s had those kids of her own, and now she’s like, “I want to have another baby, but then we’re done for good.” And when she says she wants to have another baby, she means to carry her own. Another dear friend from the agency had serious complications with her first pregnancy and consequently vowed never to get pregnant again. She had planned on adopting when they wanted another child. But now, she’s considering using an Indian surrogate.

Despite having worked in the thick of the adoption world for a few years, I think I still have naive notions of adoption. I know that international adoption, in particular, has its critics who say, among other things, that the children should remain in their birth culture where they can grow up and hopefully change the political, social, or cultural issues that are causing so much abandonment of children. I can see where the critics are coming from, and, at least in theory, I can agree with them. But in practice, to think that that means leaving a bunch of kids in orphanages…well, I just can’t do it. When it comes down to it, I still see adoption as a way to give a child without a family a home, and that their life will be better because of that fact.

Perhaps part of my draw towards adoption is eugenics. There are some genes in my family that I just don’t want to see passed down and continued in posterity. Same with Hubby J’s family. But, we both feel there are some good behavioral traits we have that would be beneficial to share and teach a child. So, adopting a child will allow us to avoid damning a child with some stupid genes while also teaching them what it means to be a good person (god, that sounds naive). And even if these adoptive kids have some fucked up genes they carry, it’s too late — they’re already here in existence. So, let’s work with what we got on this planet, and have them grow up into responsible adults rather than just grow some more.

So, while my motivations seem odd, I guess that really doesn’t matter in the end. We’re going to give a child a family who loves them, helps them flourish into the best people they can be, and thinks they are just the greatest. And it’s this that really matters.

Deaf or hearing

We have 6 months until we’re officially both 30 and eligible to adopt from China! As such, we are starting to look into the different special needs to see what we’re open to. Up next: deaf and hard of hearing. I have spent 3 solid days researching this need, the resources in our community, the educational choices, ASL learning…lots of stuff. My conclusion: We could do it. Talking to hubby about any of this though: excruciating. First, he doesn’t want to read anything. Says it seems pretty straight forward and doesn’t need to. Next, whenever I try to ask him what he is thinking about it, he’ll say something kinda vague, and if I try to inquire further, holy hell — I’ve just gone too far.

Tonight though, I finally got him to figure out what it is that’s bothering him. He said he’s afraid of magnifying problems. What he means is that we’re going to be adopting this kid from China who is already has these issues of being different from us and we’ll already have one culture to honor and teach the kid about. By adopting an deaf kid, we’ll have a whole other culture we’ll have to make sure to expose the kid to and make sure they are comfortable within even though we are both hearing. This, I think, is a valid concern.

Problem is, I can’t find any resources that discuss this. I’ve searched online for articles or posts from people who have adopted a deaf child internationally that speak to this issue. So, I’m not sure how to respond. Guess I’ll just do some more searching.